I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
