Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
