Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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