Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we made out on top of his cat.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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