I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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