yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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