If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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