i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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