I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
