I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
