The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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