I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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