Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
