I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
