I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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