oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
