yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He did a backflip because drugs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
