Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he thought i was a dude.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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