How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
