Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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