I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
