he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
