tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
