I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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