i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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