you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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