sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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