I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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