I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
