Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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