I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
