I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
