it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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