just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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