yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
