Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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