I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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