happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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