Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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