dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
