Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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