Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
