I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
