she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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