i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just had sex on a roof
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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