My liver just broke up with me...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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