apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
