The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
