me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
