i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
