I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
